Sunday, February 27, 2005

Waiting for What, Exactly?

It is important to always remember that those you love may very well belong to others as much as to you. And if you cannot get used to their other obligations, you're sunk.

Hey, man, it's nothing but a good thing if your loved one is a useful and needed soul, even if that means others often take up their time seeking help, advice or company. I suppose it can be a challenge to maintain a close relationship with a popular and well-loved person, but *really*.

If you have self-esteem issues, this relationship absolutely requires you to get over them.

Here's an idea: Try to direct your unspent energies towards activities you find fulfilling for *yourself*. I'd advise you spend some time working against begrudging the time someone spends with others. In my opinion? Your best bet is to have a life of your own.

Seems like advice too obvious to need stated but why don't you fill the hours you could spend 'waiting' with activities that interest you, make you feel wanted and challenge your intelligence? There are many many many successful relationships wherein each person goes his or her own way most of the time.

And if you are "waiting" for me, quite frankly you may be waiting a long damn time. And to what end gain for me? I come back and there you are standing exactly where I left you with nothing new to show me and no new means to hold my attention this time, either.


Thursday, February 24, 2005

Advise Me

And I will trust synchronicity to make anonymous advice on an unstated dilemma applicable.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005


Now is a time for composure and contemplation. As a result of profound contemplation, a hidden force emanates from us, influencing others without their being aware of it. Do not underestimate the power of this force. Like the wind blowing across the tree tops, its presence is perceived through the effect it has on everything it touches.

Shallow wells rarely strike water, and shallow minds often come up empty. The ability to keep still and simply observe deepens resolve, and attracts good fortune. It is important to discern the difference between what is deep and what is surface within yourself - once perfected, you will be able to distinguish between the two in the outer world as well.

During a period between events, the practice of stillness with awareness is a good idea. Only by observing and absorbing the true nature of things - by apprehending the rhythms and cycles which guide all creation - can we discover the laws which apply to our own individual lives.

There are times when it is vital to examine yourself and the overall situation, not just with the thought of discovering truth, but with the idea of concentrating your personal power.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Tried, Failed and Moved to a Place More in Kindred

I find that the older I get, the less and less I like *real* complications. Oh, petty problems that people have, i treat in the nature of a puzzle but *complicated* people tire me. Harmony is good, and simplicity, and I like my loved ones to be able to just join together in gratitude and appreciation of the now.

I am in a good place, as my previous harmonious posts would indicate. Just now, it feels as if my whole world feels like rejoicing. It's a time of high-fulfillment between me and those I love and I wish I knew how to extend it toward those I want to be involved with.

Right now, petty problems appear diminished within the larger perspective of the collective human drama. Friends seem to be everywhere. Cooperation and support, love and desire, prevail.

Lest you all dismiss this serenity, however, take note that I am aware that this harmonious situation was not arrived at without stress and challenge.

But right now it is impossible for me to do other than equate this magic moment with the clarity that follows inclement weather - it is all the more precious in contrast with what came before. Even if it cannot stay this way forever, this is a sublime and magical moment for me, my loves, and the world.

If only I could help you feel the blessing of the Creators raining down upon the creations in a sacred moment of recognition.

Holding Hands with the Queen of Swords

Why do people fear the times that there is an overwhelming need to create more space between themselves and a partner?

It is so healthy to be able to detach yourself from your relationship desires. Why should you allow yourself to get tossed around because of other people's choices? I think people forget that always they can re-center themselves upon their own axis, that in fact that is the *only* place to center themselves, and think about what they want to do with their lives and their time and their energy -- either with or without their current relationships. I'm aghast at how many people have trouble replacing the word "we" with "I" as they work through issues.

It is not a bad thing to be in need of some individuation.

I would advise people not to fret when they find themselves wanting to withdraw. The desire for detachment is healthy and is not a prediction that all is lost. There are just times when relationships get too close and one or both individuals lose themselves, to the detriment of their personal growth.

A good working relationship -- no matter what it's form -- requires that there be two whole people present -- two separate, sometimes very different and unpredictable people -- who have their own take on life.

There comes a time when you must reclaim your personal identity. Perhaps it had been sublimated in the relationship. If so, then it could have gotten ignored or even trampled. Reinforce your claim to a room or space or time of your own -- your own private realm in which you can be alone.

And I would think twice about someone who would work, in any way, to deny you such.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

< rant type=tired of self-pity >

Why oh why do people find it so hard to set limits on another's ability to influence their lives? Is it so difficult to have clear boundaries and be prepared to defend them if necessary?

I understand that it is unsettling when you have caught a glimpse of the dark side of a loved one, an unconsciously selfish side that tries to take advantage. I understandd that is a tough choice: If you let boundary violations slide in the name of devotion, you are likely to compound the damage to your self-esteem. If you protest, you risk being misunderstood or, more painfully, a rejected scapegoat.

But still it *is* a choice.

I think people need to spend more time studying such relationships with a cool head, avoiding sentimentality and asking themselves: Are you clear on what you are dealing with? Are you emotionally courageous enough to take the steps that will protect you from negative elements in this relationship?

If so, then by the gods, man, just coolly draw the line and defend your boundaries. Such times are not the time for hysterics, however easy such a route might be.

< /rant>


Thank the gods I am not as psychotic as I was last year. ;)


Where do you keep finding these? Yes, I will post it and here I am doing so. Good timing because I had nothing else really to post -- busy busy girl today -- and Guild Wars this weekend so will probably be post-less for a few days.

This can keep you guys busy until my return.

"There is a method..."
True Seer: You see the patterns of chaos and from
your favored medium can glimpse the future.
Perhaps you scry in the intestines of
sacrifices, gaze into crystals, watch the
static on TV, or just converse with the Truly
Dead. Whatever your art, your talents are
prized by the powerful, ignored by the foolish
and coveted by the weak.

What Malkavian are you?
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Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Intimately they share

Love relationships should always be growing separately together. We relate to be related to.

We bond with another to bond with ourselves and always do I seek in you what is hard to find within. Love is our contact with ourselves through another.

The biggest commitment I can make to my lovers is to my integrating what is evoked in our relating.

Monday, February 14, 2005


Oh, light, inner and outer harmony is such cause for celebration in romantic relationships. There are days, like today, when I have achieved a level of perfect harmony -- both within myself and with those to whom I am romantically involved. And it's this feeling of rejoicing that outweighs any normal tendencies to bicker or compete. On such days, it's as if my life is like one big happy family -- all the players enjoy a sense of fulfillment.

Today, my entire psychic life is in order. My entire inner family -- including my inner child, parent self, confused adolescent, sharp and capable professional -- are working together. I am just so completely *satisfied* on all levels.

It is important to take note of what this feels like and keep it conscious, even as relationship circumstances change, as they undoubtedly will, and my sub-personalities try to reassert themselves. This is the optimal state for mental, physical, interpersonal, and spiritual health.

And it's so near dark and the jacuzzi awaits, and the 120" diagonal screen, and Kung Fu Hustle which I've been dying to see, looking, as it does, to be right up my alley. Mmmm... bubbly warm water, my head on Jim's shoulder and (hopefully) a great flick and I can ask for no more. Oh! I can. If only the *wind* would start blowing. It is supposed to be carrying kisses and they have yet to arrive. But, that is the only blight on an otherwise happy, harmonious and beautiful evening.

::rubbing temples::

12 hours of drinking Tequila and beer in various jacuzzies makes Ladarna a very tired girl.

MJ -- I believe you guys caused me no end of trouble with those dratted emails. *Yes* I couldn't dance and the song is ruined for All Time, but it's my vow to stay *away* from email when I'm drinking, not be bullied into it further. I need to find myself an email recall program, and save myself such anguished embarrassment. ::laughing:: However, as it is not the first time I suppose it's been proven I cannot learn from my mistakes nor feel the proper sort of repentance.

What to discuss this morning? How about Transition? The point between one place and another.

Most people, I think, either want to stay where they are or leap into the next event without resolving what they have left behind. Transition should be made by bringing closure where we can; taking time to reflect on who we are now, and who we can become. To have yourself unbonded from what went before and yet not yet attached to what is to come is optimal. To make a transition should be to always re-find oneself in the now.

It's important to allow pauses between things throughout your day, so that you may practice also taking time for the major transitions in your life.


And with that, I'm off to play some more Metal Slug 3 with the child who is home sick from school today.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

The seeker looks through his bars, not the open wall.

"Opposition" is that which blocks movement and direction in existence. Of course, our blocks test our commitment to journey. Without obstructions I do not believe we would persevere because things which come too easily are soon lost and unvalued. It is perhaps telling to notice what internal response opposition evokes; it is often just a shrug of the shoulders and unruffled change of path. The times it causes anger, resentment and angst, however, are the ones that bear study.

While it is easy to remain victimized by what opposes us, complaining and angry, it seems much more sensible to change our perspective and seek openings where openings are possible. To remain in opposition keeps us from using energy to go forward in life.

If the path is one you wish to remain on, it is important to stop protesting and complaining and instead do something creative with every difficulty.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Excerpt from The Prophet

"And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children,
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."

El nino was walking, half crying half shrieking, in his sleep tonight and then curled up in complete serenity and unruffled sleep as soon as I scooped him into my arms and fell into his bed with him. And tomorrow, at a belated Imbolc party, I will attempt to present this piece without sobbing to the point of incoherence.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Hanging Man

When you are forced into a relationship situation where you can only observe events unfold, how can you be held responsible for the results?

It's very important to be able to use periods of censure and 'helplessness' to study a relationship situation in detail. I believe these kinds of predicament release me from the obligations and responsibility of being in control. Instead, it's very important that I serve as witness to what happens when vindictive types get their hands on the wheel.

It's easy to be accused of apathy at such times, when people don't realize that the best and most prudent course may be for me to stay neutral and learn from the temporary periods of chaos that follow mob psychology. It's interesting how much projection you must endure when all you are doing is remaining still and observing. What, really is expected of me? I mean, when one is caught short and strung up, he or she can't be blamed for what comes next.

Forgiveness may be a wise and useful companion in such a situation. Both of yourself and those who are not seeing anything beyond their own immediate issues.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Not so deep.

This is so totally me and el nino. (Nasty mean intellectual mom mom!)

click on to make larger.

The seeker enters the pool to be purified.

I think that "saving" is the sharing of life energy in a way that brings vitality and being to one in the need of regaining their wholeness.

We can have faith, continuously tested by reality, that there is always a source available to give us, if not what we want, then what is possible. This way we do not have to despair that there are problems without solutions. The only difficulty is ourselves, and our willingness to seek and to give what is necessary to each and every moment.

It is often hard to give up trying to make something happen, so that what needs to come about may reveal itself.

Monday, February 07, 2005

::crinkling nose and wiggling fingers::

Thanks again to Jeff who sent me this awhile ago with the subject "You're online." Just watched it again and still cracked me up. Did I ever send it to you guys?

Defeated Manipulative Vulnerability.

It seems easy for people to forget we can reject only ourselves and do so most often by slipping into unconsciousness.

To avoid losing we lose. To escape punishment we punish ourselves. To keep from winning we defeat ourselves. To invite rejection we act worthless. The key to change, I think, is to express vulnerability directly rather than make others suffer for it through our blaming tactics.

It should be a goal to let your fears and feelings out, making concrete choices to change your responses to them.

Sunday, February 06, 2005


To cause to happen is to direct energy towards changing something or someone.

We cause others harm or health by our actions, yet we are never the cause of how a person takes what happens to them. Better to deal more with effects than the causes of things. The cause is finished, while the effects still remain. It helps no one, including yourself, to blame outside people and forces. And this applies to the 'good' things as well. Change how you react to things and you will make more happen consistent with your goals and values.

It is important to make yourself realistically effective in whatever you do, and to take responsibility for yourself without blame.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Hypnotic and Inspiring

Cripin' A, I'm busy here folks but since your email made me laugh, here you go (By the way, if anyone knows what that painting is, please advise because I want it.):


What herb are you?
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Kneeling at the feet of...

My favorite kind of men to have relationships with -- if they aren't theoretical physicists or astrophysicists specializing in black holes -- are neuroscientists.

Aside from the very important fact that with them disclaimers about moods or neurohormones are always unnecessary, they are the type of man who is wise enough to realize, when you write them gushing with love after two weeks of relative silence, that it's probably the percocet.

King of Wands

I find it odd, the times I notice myself drifting along undecided about a relationship. It seems I am then woefully unprepared when decisive moments arise. How can I implement my will when I don't even know it?

Perhaps it is that the ebb and flow of the power to 'direct' a relationship soothes into some kind of complacency. Perhaps at the moments when I have no direct power, I forget that there will be times that I will. Making the best of 'leadership' opportunities requires a great deal of psychological and emotional self-knowledge. I believe that many people have negative or mixed programming about success, achievement, striving, and competition. Those mixed emotions keep us from rising to our true potential even when the openings we have prayed for finally appear.

One should always be prepared for circumstances which require that we show our hand and defend our positions without hesitation. It is important to think like a wise warrior in these situation, and be ready for an all-out effort to attain your relationship goal.

Friday, February 04, 2005

I Feel What I Feel That I Feel That I Feel

I find it curious that when someone says they do not wish to feel a certain way, they seem to almost completely disregard the fact that they *do* feel that way and that the feeling is them. Feeling a certain way is one feeling; not *wanting* to feel that way is *another* feeling, and it does not cause the first feeling to stop.

The effort expended in trying to disown a feeling seems a dangerous thing. Disowning a feeling does not destroy it, it only causes you to foreit your capacity to act it out as you wish. I find that when I condemn a feeling, I stop believing it to be me and so it appears to take on a life of its own and forces me to respond to it in a habitual way.

It seems as futile to condemn myself for feeling scared or selfish or revengeful or bored or detached as it would be for me to condemn myself for something like the size of my feet.

[Barring manipulation of neurochemistry via what I do or do not eat, drink or how much I do or do not sleep, etc....] ...I am not responsible for my feelings, but for what I *do* with them.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Wheel of Fortune

There are times, despite my stockpile of 'wisdom', that I still find myself pouting and disgruntled about the fact that it is the nature of The Wheel of Fortune that it never ceases to turn.

There are times I feel like I just want to get off the wheel once in a while, but I know there is only one good way to do that -- by taking refuge in the hub, the center from which all the motion is emanating.

Today my ultimate challenge is to re-learn to peak and drop without resisting the process, including all its ups and downs.


The wind is absolutely frabjous today. It's making me all mimsy and in love.

I've spent nearly the entire day outside, just to be near it.