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"And though there were many other reasons for being attracted to her, Archer knew that beneath them all lay the gentle and obstinate determination to go on rescuing her."

The Age of Innocence
Edith Wharton

The Hermit On Her Own

It is so incredibly easy for me, sometimes, to forego being interested in the trivial things in my relationships. I fear, sometimes, that I have too much of a relationship with the 'spiritual' world instead of one with society. I prefer to specialize in what is esoteric, and to study the inner sciences -- yoga, tantra, self-cultivation. I want to immerse myself in consciousness development that takes me beyond the limited human ego and puts me in touch with the vastness of cosmic creation. And I find that I am willing to give only a very little time for ordinary human commerce, relationship complexities, and their various distractions.

People need to spend more time in inner study. It's all about immersing yourself in the mysteries of natural law. And isolating it may be, but there's much to be gained by remaining an eternal child full of wonder, gazing into the mysteries of the inner life. And perhaps people should spend more time courting the idea that all the support they need lies within, as in a yoga balancing posture.

There are times, though, that such Isolation makes itself fully apparent and it is as if my 'time away' has left me with an inability to speak the correct language. Or make my points understood. Or connect at all on any level with anyone. And not because I do not wish to, but because I have completely forgotten how.

And such times leave me feeling trapped and stopped and blocked on all sides.

And so I suppose I need to remember, if you meet an obstacle or encounter resistance, to dance like you expected it to be there. There is a skill in knowing just how to receive whatever shows up: The trick is recognizing its beauty, which is all there is to diplomacy and charm.

My atmosphere is light and neutral today and it feels okay to be indecisive.

Listening to the cycles.

This situation is so unpredictable. That is always such a hard state for me, with my sometimes rampant control issues. It is very hard for me, sometimes, to empty the vessel, releasing any preconceived agenda. It is hard sometimes to just allow myself to be guided from a still, calm place within.

I am not always the best in situations which are undefined and open-ended. And there are days when it is almost unbearable to me that I do not know, nor can I even begin to guess, what is happening in the other person's head. This can sometimes create such a feeling of *panic*. I need to remember that it can also create such a sense of relief, if I just let it be O K. After all, I suppose having no blueprint frees me up from the pressure of expectations.

But these times are such a test of my internal guidance system. Can I refrain from getting desperate about a relationship in the current absence of structure?

::rubbing eyes::

Malibu, I am finally going to take your advice from back when I posted Advise Me. This High Priestess currently craves deep communion with Nature and attunement with cosmic law. She wants to be far from the daily traffic of life, so she can meditate. So, yes, I'm going to: Take some time out. Write in my journal. Sit on a mountaintop (well, actually, next to a stream on a valley floor). And hopefully become reflective like the smooth calm still waters of that pool we found.

I'll be back in awhile.

Analysis and Over Analysis

"When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature."

- Sigmund Freud

Predictions

I've got psychics on the brain since an email yesterday, so bear with me if I turn this blog into the psychic hotline for the next little while.

{edited: predictions were entirely wrong! So much for that!}

Difficulty at the Beginning

The birth of anything - including any new relationship - is an entry into the realm of the unknown. When new things seem to be rushing upon you, confusion can so easily take over. But I believe chaos is a powerful force if you harness it properly. It's so important to remember not to rush things. It's so important to not let events overwhelm you. And while it's important to stay calm and persevering, you must not forget to take the first step.

When you know that challenges lie ahead it is important to make efforts *now* to gain strength and find your courage. Like a new born fawn, the opportunity for rapid development is real, but only by being determined can the fawn rise to its feet and survive to grow to full stature.

It seems almost always that my primary challenge is maintaining personal clarity. I sometimes have to make such an effort to avoid lunging at solutions and to wait until a good course of action becomes clear.

Impatience is one of my most prevalent flaws.

Ascending and Realizing

There is such a lovely feeling of *increase* when energy and being have greater direction than before.

I know that taking the journey, moving forward in life, is to always be experiencing increase and decline. Ever do we seek greater energy and consciousness as one of the essential rewards for living fully.

While the is cycle high, it is obviously very easy to feel great, optimistic, full of joy and anticipation for the future. What is important, though, is during such times you take that fullness and create with it. It is such a time for breakthroughs and new meaning.

It is important to enhance the main opportunities in your life, letting the old and lesser ones go.

The stranger dances her deeper into the cavern's swirling waters.

Absorption is when individual identify is devoured by forces which end it.

The point of individual identity is the choice to resist archetypal forces. Whenever you feel inadequate, in any way, it is quite easy to want the intensity of identifying with an archetype, sacrificing any ability to fulfill yourself as a conscious human being. The adversity of being taken over is of the subtlest kind. And I think you can only guard against it by committing to an integrated act that strengthens your being as you create with superior forces in a balanced way.

It is important to seek challenge from those who ground you in everyday life.

It is also important to remember that quite often needs are better transformed than they are fulfilled. You can often serve yourself by recreating your needs, rather than simply satisfying them.

Stasis

Whenever I find myself stuck in ambivalence or lack of meaning, it's as if I can feel the life force fail me and I feel as if I am in danger. Will my vitality ever return? Are my repressions so great that I cannot move, or is my fear so tangible that my will to act is gone?

It is important to remember that times that I somehow enforce lack of motion on myself can only be broken by choosing breaththroughs. Without choice, the ties you make that bind may also begin to strangle. And while the times I trap myself in ambivalence and lack of meaning are difficult for me to get a handle on, I must remember to still myself in that period, so that my true feelings may surface. Doing so almost always seems to free me to act when new energy comes my way.

When feeling myself caught in stasis, it is important to try to objectify my situation in order to see what I need to give up to move forward in life. And to remember to resist going unconscious by focusing choices, no matter what they are.

I hate, more than anything almost, finding myself being less than mindful and less than aware and less than honest with myself.

I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got. Umm. Yeah.

"Well, you should've left the light on.
You should've left the light on.
Then I wouldn't have tried,
And you'd never have known.
And I wouldn't have pulled you tighter.
No, I wouldn't have pulled you close.
I wouldn't have screamed
'No I can't let you go'
If the door wasn't closed.
No I wouldn't have pulled you to me.
No I wouldn't have kissed your face.
You wouldn't have begged me to hold you
If we hadn't been there in the first place.
Ah but I know you wanted me to be there oh oh
Every look that you threw told me so.
But you should've left the light on.
You should've left the light on."

Shit.

You tell 'em Sinead.

Resistance is futile: surrender to the hard lesson.

Ah light, am I really here again? It has been so long.

Once again I feel that I am being educated about limits. And yes, again, I am spending time looking outside myself to trace the causes of these events, even as I know it doesn't matter. Even as I believe that my Greater Self intends this challenge to be an education, once again attempting to correct that part of me that is under the illusion that I possess control over my life and relationships.

Now that I am again, for this moment, fully conscious of my inability to forestall the inevitable, the right action, of course, is to lay down my arms. For now, my power in the situation has come to an end.

It seems that I am chronically relearning that my life is subject to forces much more powerful than my ego. I suppose, in an ironic way, this dark hour actually provides me with some evidence that I am not abandoned, even if the proof appears to be coming in the form of a cosmic chastisement.

::sighs::

I will repractice my stillness. And my quiet. And I will relearn the fine art of wu-wei, which battles often with my sometimes complete lack of trust.

Regression

Every choice we make to move forward evokes a regressive pull. So very much life energy goes into things that give us little value back. The past wants us to stay where we are as much as the present does, but the future calls us forward to the next stages of life, to a new meaning, a new step in consciousness.

We must learn to say "No" to all that would oppose our true choices. By saying "No" we defeat the No which would defeat us.

I think maybe the best way to practice defeating the regressive pull is by making commitments and sticking to them. And by realizing, like someone holding a snarling dog's jaws shut, that one cannot hold on forever. It's very easy for me to forget to just deal with things instead of trying to control them.

The garbage dump overflows with trash.

It seems easy to forget that we help create the totality, not just the good parts.