Timing
A relationship is like a dance. As in a dance, timing is everything. No matter what the nature of a relationship -- be it lovers, friends, family, coworkers -- differences in a couple's rhythms often give rise to their biggest problems. But curiously enough, people seldom see that *timing* is the active factor. Instead, they are likely to blame each other -- or think the relationship is "bad" or "not working" in general.
I think the most common area for "timing" problems involves partners' different rhythms in wanting closeness or distance. Everyone has a need for connection and a need for individual space -- but partners can easily be out of synch in who needs what, when. For whatever reason, one partner may need space at the same time the other wants connection. And people often confuse timing differences with something else. When timing is off, this wonderfully absurd "name-calling" can result: You can call your lover "incapable of intimacy" for wanting space, or "too needy" for wanting connection.
Conflict can then build, further triggering fears of being abandoned or trapped or controlled or ignored. In the turmoil, the real underlying factor -- timing differences -- is overlooked.
Timing is also involved in how partners try to solve problems. Some people first need time apart to mull over a situation before talking. Others want an immediate solution and try to engage in ongoing discussion. Still others need to express all their emotions without any interruptions before they can solve anything rationally.
Partners' personal clocks are not, cannot, and do not have to be in perfect synch all the time. When your needs don't match, avoid blaming or hurting each other. It's only the timing that is off. Isn't that a relief?! It's only timing! It's not even personal!
A lot would run more smoothly if people would just be more alert against mistaking timing rhythms for something else -- like character flaws in your partner, or irresolvable issues in your relationship. Instead, just relax. Breathe. Open your heart. And find acceptance.
I think the most common area for "timing" problems involves partners' different rhythms in wanting closeness or distance. Everyone has a need for connection and a need for individual space -- but partners can easily be out of synch in who needs what, when. For whatever reason, one partner may need space at the same time the other wants connection. And people often confuse timing differences with something else. When timing is off, this wonderfully absurd "name-calling" can result: You can call your lover "incapable of intimacy" for wanting space, or "too needy" for wanting connection.
Conflict can then build, further triggering fears of being abandoned or trapped or controlled or ignored. In the turmoil, the real underlying factor -- timing differences -- is overlooked.
Timing is also involved in how partners try to solve problems. Some people first need time apart to mull over a situation before talking. Others want an immediate solution and try to engage in ongoing discussion. Still others need to express all their emotions without any interruptions before they can solve anything rationally.
Partners' personal clocks are not, cannot, and do not have to be in perfect synch all the time. When your needs don't match, avoid blaming or hurting each other. It's only the timing that is off. Isn't that a relief?! It's only timing! It's not even personal!
A lot would run more smoothly if people would just be more alert against mistaking timing rhythms for something else -- like character flaws in your partner, or irresolvable issues in your relationship. Instead, just relax. Breathe. Open your heart. And find acceptance.
posted by Ladarna Daorsa at 4/24/2005
2 Comments:
Nice to have you back.
::blows kiss::
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