Friday, April 14, 2006

I once, years ago, told someone how easy it was, and has always been, for me to detach from people. How easily and frequently I can just walk away without another thought. I think the exact words I used were "the only reason I stop to look back is to light a cigarette from the bridge I just started burning, but then I turn around and keep on walking."

And in the years since then, I have thought about this on and off. And, even once, tried -- more as experiment at the time than anything else -- to take an exactly opposite approach. And when my desire to leave hit, I stayed, at least to a small degree. It was a matter of making myself do so, and making myself output what I felt was the minimum communication/involvement required so that I was "still there" instead of "long gone". And both good, at which I was surprised, and bad, at which I was not surprised, came of that experiment. But what mostly came from it, as an offshoot, was the realization that it even if you have left, is not very difficult to rebuild the bridges you have burned and to feel grateful that there is so much to come home (to the home within yourself) to.

What that time of 'forced' connection showed me was how to study the underlying values there in such situations. And I found, much later, that they often represented something that I may have mistakenly rejected in the past. And that, perhaps, I had been distracted by more glamorous dreams and not really realizing that, at a deep level, my heart and soul were being fed, and had been. Or, perhaps they hadn't been, but my refusing to leave allowed them time to develop the ability to feed on what was there.

I still am not sure.

But, what I feel is once again an affirmation of the fact that whereever I am is exactly where I belong. And that entire journeys can be designed to bring you back to a familiar person with an entirely new appreciation.

I think that it is important to strive, with humility, to be the first to recognize your own mistakes, misunderstandings, and self-involvement in relationships. It's important to be a warrior of the open heart and help the one you care about to own the strength of their love, in whatever form it may take.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

And sometimes it is only that your companion may not be clear about his or her own goals and cannot move forward in the direction you want at the time. I've seen you burn bridges for no reason other than impatient. Remember that others sometimes need time in which to assess the implications. Free from pressure he or she will act.

As you well know: one must learn to be still at moments like this.

*blows kiss*

April 14, 2006  
Blogger Ladarna Daorsa said...


It's never been *just* because of impatience. ::whispering:: I don't think.

Yes, waiting for assessments of implications makes me impatient -- particularly because they are never what they are expected to be anyway so what a waste of time.

Er, or that is what I would say if I were still impatient.

April 14, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are in love.

April 17, 2006  
Blogger Ladarna Daorsa said...

:) Always.

April 17, 2006  

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